Ruminations on Rejection

A few months ago, I attended a Montreal Geek Girl Dinner about "Women in technology".  I was hoping to meet like-minded women and maybe some men, but I was surprised that the majority of attendant were what I consider technology users, rather than technology producers.  These are women who use technology to provide content, who mange technology production, who sell it, who bring it to all of us, making our lives easier, more interesting, or more fun.  I was glad I came, even tho it wasn't what I had expected.

At one point, the issue of the few women speakers at conferences came up.  One of the the organizers of ConFoo (one of the brave men in attendance) asked for ways to get more speakers, because very few women step up.  I thought about it, and I think maybe I'm one of those women who just do not step up to be heard. I want to do it, but..  surely, there's someone better than me out there, surely there's nothing special I can bring to a crowd... I'm just a developer - a good one, but why me?  What would make me step up?

I'm not exactly shy.  Well, okay, maybe a little, but when I see a need, I step up.  I  usually let others lead, but when I know I can do better, I speak up, and guide the situation the way I think will work best.  So what would make me volunteer as a speaker? a void; a need.  I went to the organizer of ConFoo, and told him that maybe, instead of sending out vague requests for speakers, they should suggest specific topic to specific women, showing them the need.  Which he promptly turned around on me, and suggested I do a Grails talk at ConFoo.

I considered it for some time, trying to convince myself I could do it.  I know Groovy and Grails well, I like it, and I think I can communicate my enthusiasm to other developers.  I took a deep breath, and proposed the talk.  And felt all giddy.  And started thinking about how I'd do the presentation.  Then I realized I'm also pretty good at SQL, from a programmer's perspective.  How you can't tune a database on it's own, but you have to look at it in the context of the application; sometimes you have to change the logic in your program instead of tossing another index at the problem.  How sometimes, it's better if a process takes longer, if it's less intrusive on the other users of the system.  And how to write and rewrite queries until they do what you want, and how you want.  After the rush of the first proposal (and a few words of encouragement) I proposed a session on SQL for programmers.

Finally, I had most recently started working with Scala and Lift, and I could see the potential.  I submitted a session for this too, because I thought it should be presented, but I was hoping I wouldn't get selected - I have so little experience with it, and none in a proper "work" context, that I thought it was pushing it a little.  Still, no better way to learn than when thinking "and how do I explain that to someone else?"

So I submitted three talks, and waited.  I started writing notes about how I wanted to design each presentation, what aspects I particularly didn't want to forget, etc.  Just in case I was selected.  They did say they wanted a session on Grails, and they did say they wanted more women.  I wasn't expecting to get a session due to my gender alone, but I thought my chances were pretty good.  But I also knew very well I had no experience to show for, no visible accomplishment.  And I was worried that I would get selected! Would I have enough time to prepare as well as I'd like?

And then, the decision came.  The list of speakers was published, and I couldn't find my name on it.  I looked and looked and.. nope! nothing.  Not for the Scala talk, not for the Grails talk, not for the SQL talk.

I was surprised at how disappointed I was.  It's not like I was promised anything.  There were quite a number of proposals, many by professional speakers, or by people directly involved in the making of the technology discussed.  I was able to confirm later that there will be a talk on Grails, and at least a talk on SQL (by someone whose blog I've consulted on many occasions, so he's a lot more of an authority than I am, let's face it).  I didn't see anything about Scala/Lift, but I may have missed it.  And it's very new, and definitely a serious paradigm shift for anyone doing Java or PHP, and even Python.

So, why was I so disappointed?

Probably because in order to even dare proposing a session, I had to convince myself that it was needed, and that I was the only one who could do it.  I wasn't.  I don't like taking chances, I don't like selling myself.  People should just realize how awesome I am, without me ever having to brag.  Yeah, that's not how it works..  I have done very well for myself with that philosophy, but I have also not done anything particularly visible, cool, amazing...  Oh, I've done some really impressive stuff.  I wrote one of the first CMS (but you wouldn't know it) and I worked one some pretty cool sites (like Heat.net - but you probably don't remember it).  I wrote one of the first applets that kept track of who was on-line - well before anyone spoke of "Web 2.0".  Well, if I want to be seen, be recognized by my peers, I'll have to do a lot more than wait for someone to offer me a session at a conference.

What now?

Now that I've tasted the thrill of proposing sessions at a conference, and now that I know that rejection sucks, but you survive, dust yourself off, put a band-aid on the bruised ego and move on... now, I've decided that working alone in my office and gathering knowledge and skills is not enough.  I want more.  I will be more.  I will take risks, and put myself out there.  I will not stop at "what I'm supposed to do".  I will also listen to what I want to do.  And I will try to share what I know, as best I can.  And there are plenty of other conferences.  And there's next year.

I know that whenever we do something, we "practice" doing it - we get better at it, it becomes easier.  So it's time for me to start practicing risk taking.  At least a little.

Isn't it convenient that this is happening at the turning of the year?

Here's to 2011!